The End

This semester was the toughest one. I totally screwed everything up, everything went so wrong. Everything. My grade fall, my life messed up, design killed me, I try so hard to fix but it's still the same and remains unchanged. Still sama and tak dapat dibaiki. I lost everyone that I once cared too much through this journey, they are either gone and forever gone. I lost my granny and my aunty, never expect it to happen during this time but Allah knows it best. Losing someone wasn't that easy I guess, it changes everything from your own routine to you, yourself. And I never saw it's coming and wasn't even prepared myself for that but Allah is the best planner. He sent me the one that helps me to go through this. I don't know what will happen if he wasn't there to pull me up. And for that, I always be thankful. I was totally lost this semester, almost give up with everything but he show me that there is light and lead my way. The one that I could never can repay for all of his kindness even if I die. Thanks

Jatuh

Bila kau jatuh tersungkur, berdarah dan luka parah, dan benda kau kena buat lepas tu ialah bangkit. Bangkit balik lagi kuat dan kuat dan kuat dari sebelum ni. Dan mintak dengan tuhan, doa. Jangan salahkan masa silam kau sebab dia ajar kau jadi kau harini. Kalau kau jatuh lagi, takpe, sakit tu pelajaran paling mahal yang kau tak akan dapat beli dengan duit.

Some People

 I have always been amazed by some people that will go through a hell just to fight for the people they love even when the person they love have clearly made their point that they don't want them anymore. Even they have been pushed out for so many times that they have every right reason to give up but they stay and hold on to just one single reason to not to. And the saddest thing bout this people is no one sees their efforts, and no one ever appreciates it, and no one knows the struggle they face to stay, the hurt they keep inside and the broken parts of their heart that keeps bleeding and not even healing. And the saddest part of my life is I've never have this kind of people.

And this entry was never about me, and for the one who has this person in their life, try to put your feet in their shoes, I don't think you can barely take a step. Please learn to appreciate this kind of person because you are so lucky to have them and because I envy you in the way that no one has ever fight for me, ever.

Mind Your Own Business Please

  I have lived my awesome life in a simple way. I abbreviate my circle of friends. When people choose to be so friendly, I choose otherwise because I'm bad in constitute a friendship, I'm bad in constitute a conversation even for a hello. But it's all because I choose to, I abbreviate my circle because I have this kind of thought that the more people know you, the more problems you'll have to deal with. And for being introvert like me, it's easy to limit my circle.
But I forgot, some people are so judgemental. They will just judge you after they have a first glimpse of you without even know your story, your struggle. And this is it, thanks for being so nice to even care bout me. But my life wasn't a drama for you to watch and judge and give a slight comment. I'm so okay if you're judging me, but it'll a situation for me when you start to judge my friends and spreading some lousy and dreadful talks bout them. My problem is my problem. Even if they've hurt me, you still have no priviledges to hurt them. I don't need you to watch my back, I don't need your sympathies, I don't need any of your help. This is my life. Whatever problem I have with my friends, it's all about us, don't make it worse, we're not 12. Just don't hurt my friends. Thank you. Besides, I'm a woman who your words don't get deep to me.

A Thought in A Mess Head

'We built friendship by respect, if you can't apply that in us, you're out of my clique'
 The thing about us is we built our friendship by respect and trust. How can we get close to someone if we aren't trusted them. Trust is something that binds us. And when you lose that, friendship will be piled up with lies. And being a human, you have to have this kind of thing we called it as common sense. Having senses in some simple things that we often ignore it. Having senses in some things that people often forget about it, because that's what makes you a human.
 I don't choose my friends. And I realized that we all have flaws so I accept everyone. I teach my heart and mind to not being a judgemental. I learn to plant the words 'she/he must have his/her own reasons for whatever she/he did' doesn't matter if she/he even hurts me. I open my heart to everyone but that's the thing about being a open-hearted, you care bout everyone to the point that people take it for granted. And you're ended up being hurt. And being hurt is just a step to turn me into the cold-hearted and heartless Ain, because it's easier. You don't have to care. You just flip off your switch and life will be better, will be much brighter, you don't have to feel, no drama. And I love that life, because it's smoother than now.
 And this is my personal thought. Don't be offended by any words. If you.

Thing About Life

  Life has its own rules. Everything that is meant to be happened will happen. Either you embrace it or not, because Allah is the All Mighty.

But I contravene the rule. Being me is I tend to be so passionate in getting everything that I want. Sometimes, I force thing to happen exactly the way I prefer it to be. Everything has to follow the path I've carved. But I forgot, Allah is the Greatest and He knows the best how to indoctrinate me bout this life. And I learn  the lesson in a hard way.
 
  Maybe you have to digest the hard cold fact that there's thing in life that you can't change, what is fated to be that way, it'll be. Eventually. Sometimes, you can force thing to be on your path but there's certain thing will never be on your path, not even crossed it. And you have to accept it. Allah knows it best. He knows what you know not. Have a faith. Let it flies.

Nature

I perpetually have a thing for nature. Nature is kind of my remedy. When there's nothing can make me happy, nature always has something to offer me. The best therapy for those who are sad, afraid, hurt, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where you can be alone with the nature. Somewhere where your eyes can be fed with greenness, where you can breathe the fresh air, you can see the bright tremendous sky. Because there'll always be comfort for every sorrow, every heartache, every troubles or any circumstances in nature. The beauty of nature brings alleviation in all troubles. Nature is kind of my escapism. Place where I can escape from reality. Place where I can be alone. Place where I can only hear the sound of nature.

Humming

When your mind is flooded by all those beautiful memories that hurt you now, your heart knows better the song it should play along.

All Of Me
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you,
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you,
Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
I give you all of me
And you give me all of you,

I'll wait even there's nothing left for me to wait, even when you're already erased everything bout me. Even when you don't want me, I'll wait because all of me loves all of you. Because you're the best thing I've ever have and I couldn't ask for anything better than you.

The woman

The woman I am and I've become now is the woman I thought I'll never be. And for being that woman, I hate her. I hate her for being so bloody weak and so bloody fragile. I hate her for spilled out all my confidence I've hardly built for the past three years through the journey she faced. I hate her for not trusting me on the future we shared. I hate her for being such a loser. And I really hate her for buried all my dreams deep inside her heart till I can't even pictured how nice the dream was. And I hate her for being insecure on everything. After all, when you lost all your confidence, the only thing left in you is insecurity. And indeed, I hate her for not be able to dream big again.I hate the Nor Ain Elias I am now. This woman now has turned her back on the girl in her past. She broke all the promises she has ever made to that girl. She ditched that girl. And now, she left alone, facing the road that once only had bumps but now getting more difficult and thriller. Alone.

If I Lose Myself

Starting to realize that without I even notice I'm slowly to lose myself in order to try to live with  people's expectation. How sometimes I feel like it's my duty to please everyone around me, to impress them, to let them see me as a person with bright future, to amaze them, to let them see the good in me when the truth is I'm none of it. Living like this parallels to wear a mask on your own face. And sometimes, I can barely tell myself, this so isn't me.

When you're living with that kinda life, it's tiring, really, so tiring. And you sometimes will begin to miss your old life where the life that you can live your life the way you want it to be, no needs to please anyone instead of you, yourself. Whatever you did was only for your own happiness. Live with the kinda philosophy "do whatever makes you happy because at the end, you're the one that feel it".

How I wish for a break from this whole architecture life, going somewhere, a quiet place with only nature's sound, alone, escape from reality. Escape from competition. Escape from everything. And it's only a wish, a wish that will always be my wish and never will come true. I'm not going to give up because I've never been designed to give up but I try to take a break, find back my courage, motivate myself, I really need this break. I need self reflection.

Letter in the bottle to Mr. Unreadable / Awesome!

Second letter for you mr. Unreadable. First of all, on the top of all point, I just wanna thank you because finally, you've accept me in your life, after such a long knock at your door, finally, you allowed me to enter. Eventhough, until now, I still can't digest that fact. Because, I still remember I'd once said to you that "You resemble the dream that will never come true". But, sometimes, dream is just a beginning to a reality.

And I know, how straight-forward am I and sometimes, my sharpness might be hurt you. But, it's all because I love you. Never in a split second I had a thought to change you, it's just never because for me, you're just perfect the way you are and I just love you for who you are. I just wanna be that someone who's gonna bring out the best in you because, I know the thing that you oversaw 'bout yourself, I know how good you are, how awesome you are and you just don't show it. There's alot in you that just buried inside, you just too humble to bring it out, have a faith love, have a confidence with yourself, your confidence has defeated your awesomeness somehow. Fight it back.

And I just want you to know that I am wrong, totally, absolutely, definitely wrong because I actually don't need to prove to anyone how good you're because I forgot the fact that we can never pleased everyone. And it's just more than enough that you know how awesome you are and how lucky I am to have you. We don't need the universe to know it.

Sometimes, I might be too exaggerate when I said "I don't take XTAHU as an answer to my question" but I just want you to learn how to express your feeling, instead of just keep it by yourself. Because, I want you to know that now you have me, I'll be a good listener for you. You can spill all you want. I'll listen to every words you say. I'll be the awesome, cute, and gorgeous consultant for you, promise! *wink wink* I don't want you to stress out on the small thing, thing that sometimes, you just don't need to think, it's not even a big matter. Stop overthinking love and talk to me, I'll be here. You can talk to me bout everything, and I'll never judge you.