Architecture

It wasn't that easy for me to be in this course. Every semester, every, I'll always be the person yang last to arrive at the destination. When everyone is one step ahead, I'm still crawling and still learning to take my first step. It's so frustrating.

Being in that studio pon, wasn't that easy, everyone is hebat and awesome, you just name it. And me, i barely can cope with those design things. People said, "duk cakap susah memang laa susah, cuba positive sikit, cakap senang". Dude, trust me I did it and it's never been easy. I feel so small. Rasa macam I dont belong there. That wasn't my place. Rasa macam I should take another road before. Rasa macam everyone underestimate me. Of course, they should've.

Sometimes, rasa macam nak drop off everything. Take a leave. Disappear or just vanished. Bila dah ready baru balik sini. Penat. Sumpah penat. Penat yang tak boleh nak bagitahu orang. Penat and frust dengan diri sendiri. Tak faham kenapa orang lain boleh buat tapi diri sendiri tak boleh.

I used to be someone yang suka motivate diri sendiri, bila thing get rough, I'll be the hand yang akan pat my own shoulder. Bila thing get worse and I'm falling apart, broke into pieces, I'll be the one yang pick up every last pieces of it. Bila I'm about to give up, I'll be as optimistic as I can, told myself that "hold on, something's good is on its way, we're gonna reach the end soon. There's gonna be light at the end of tunnel, so hold on, be strong, remember, you're Nor Ain Elias, suck it up, you're not designed to be give up on halfway. You can do it". But, when I came out at the end, it wasn't as good as I expect it to be. People may say, don't get your expectation high but come on, after all that I went through, am I not deserve to expect more because for me, after all, you'll get what you pay for, or am I actually paying less. I am I guess. Indeed.

Post-Traumatic Amnesia

People said,

"You'll appreciate something when it's already gone."

And I said, I couldn't be agreed more.

I once wished to have that amnesia so I can forget bout all those pain that I've ever felt in my chest and how hurt it is when it strucks me straight right through my heart. But having this amnesia even for a temporary feels like emmmm how to say eh, more less like painful, would it be an appropriate word? I don't know. Why?

Because memories are too precious, I wouldn't trade it for million diamonds if you ask to. Since I was a kid, I keep this diary. I started to record all those memories in my journal because I am so paranoid that what if one day I will have an amnesia, what will happen to all those my awesome life in the past? And even it's not all part was that awesome but still, they've shaped me. Even it was the baddest one, still, it's part of me that teach me bout this whole life.

And to lose some parts of it, it feels so incomplete. Like you're losing some pieces of your puzzle and you keep staring at that puzzle to guess what does this puzzle is actually about, what the unfold story behind it? I don't know. And i once cried because you know, when there's thing you've wanted to know like desperately want, but no ones has the answer and not even your own diary and you keep reading that diary for a thousand time just to figure it out but the answer isn't there. And when you're trying to recall it, all you have in your mind is just a blurry image which is not clear. It's suck.

But most of all, behind all those 'can't remember' thing, the good thing is also happen. Now I know who's my friends. The friends that I can count on. The true friends.

And handball is my passion. I don't play because I wanted to be a champion or strike the whole game or be recognized or for fame but I play because I love it, I enjoy, it bring out the best in me, the true me, and yang paling penting is that's the thing I feel confident with. But now I have to quit, yeah call me a quitter but I have to or else I'll be really broke my neck. So sadddd.