Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Self-Reflection

   The scene is still clear in my head of the time when I effortlessly dozed off on the green chair at the studio when it was around 5 A.M, out of the frustration on my baby lappy performance and tiredness. It felt like yesterday, yet, it was a month away. How time clearly flies so fast, I couldn't even catch up to it.

  For my entire twentytwo, I just realized how my circle is so limited to my age or maybe a year older or younger than me. Being a friend to someone who is slightly older than me, brought me into a whole new kind of self-reflection.

  When we solemnly care bout our study, which is obtaining a scroll of decent study certificate is vital for us to succeed at the next level because since we were a kid, our minds have been pervaded with the notion of "you have to do excellent in your college, that's how you will reserve yourself a dazzling job."

  But unlike us, he wasn't that lucky, couldn't afford that certificate because of family financial problems went crucial at that time. Surprisingly, he sacrificed his dream to please a mother's heart, to let her sleep in peace by keeping away his acceptance letter to university from his mother to avoid from laying another great burdens on her shoulders.

   Couldn't even put into words how inspired I am. If I were to be in his shoes, I would be a great liar if I said I would do the same. I wouldn't. I don't have his courage. Not to be unthankful for my life but somehow I envy his. He maybe didn't experience university but what assurance we have that we finish this university, we get a job, we will be happy. Will that job make us happy eventually? 

   But that's not the points. At the end we just have to venture into it, the rest is in Allah's mercy. Despite he's already secured himself a job in this so global economic issues now, one that can afford his expenses, one that forbid him to go for his enthusiasm on weekend, which is hiking, won't be so much of the thing I envy, but it is his life that I envy, flowing so smooth. No matter how busy he get with works, at the end, over the weekend, he could go for exploring the nature. He gets to do what he love when I am stuck doing all this architorture. Crying.

  I was talking to Hana bout this, then Hana was quoting me his friend's word which been having the same situation as him,
"When you put your mother above everything, Allah will bless you for your whole life"
   It goes to my mind that maybe they sacrifice their dream, but, Allah is the Utterly Just, those sacrifices aren't for nothing, it is an establishment to something. Skipping from mountain to mountains when we barely have time to do that even though only god knows how much we love it, that's how blessed their life is. When we are shedding tears and blood to try to accept everything that goes in our life, they've already put all their trust in Allah long time ago. And these people is the only one that lives in their present, enjoying every bit of it.

  As the time goes by, I realized we were worried about our future too much, been chasing by it, till alot of us, merely living our present, I am too. We woke up today, with the messy thought of the next week submission, refuses our friends invitation for dinner because we afraid it'll take our assignment's time, alot of tomorrow agenda's been going in our head as we brush our teeth. I wonder when was the last time I've been living my present, woke up and tell myself, "today, I'll be having fun, doing something that I love." I always see my life as chaotic, messed up, I screwed up alot in everything I do, it makes me think, am I blessed by Allah?

  A sentence to ponder for today. Are we, the one who is blessed to pursue our dreams with the money our parent gain from shedding their effort, sweat and blood for us, have really placed our parent at their right position in our heart? You know the answer.